A few years ago, I was at the dentist's office with one of my kids who uses they/them pronouns.

When the dentist came out to the waiting room to give me her report, she kept using the wrong pronouns for my kid.

I could barely concentrate on the report because I was thinking, Do I interrupt and correct her? Do I wait until she’s done talking? What if I make things awkward? Is the correction worth it?

I thankfully came to my senses and realized that of course my child is “worth it.” I waited for a pause and said, “Hey, my child uses they/them pronouns.” The dentist then launched into a litany of apologies: “I am SO. SORRY. Oh my GOSH! I came out here to talk to you, and I knew, but then . . . oh, I’m so sorry! I hope I didn’t mess up in the appointment! I AM SO SORRY!”

I got one “that’s OK” in edgewise and mentioned something about how it’s an adjustment to use they/them pronouns if they’re unfamiliar. The apologies went on. I finally realized I did not need to be comforting the apologizer, so I thanked her and shut my mouth.

When I told my kid about the incident, they said, “That’s, like, my whole life.” As a gender-expansive person, my kid constantly performs mental calculations about correcting people when they're misgendered. Many times, they don’t correct the person, not because they’re afraid of the other person’s reaction or that they won’t understand, but because of the inevitable profuse apologies. My kid doesn’t want to be (and shouldn’t have to be!) in the position of comforting someone else for their mistake. And they also don't always want to be the educator. That responsibility is exhausting.

The lesson for me: It’s always worth it to be a corrective advocate for my child. I have never been embarrassed by my kid, but I sometimes fall into the trap of avoiding the awkwardness of a long explanation. I had to work at stating their pronouns (and sometimes gender) like they're the most normal thing in the world, because they are.

Reminder for us all: Apologizing ad nauseam makes it about you and puts the trans person (or injured party) in the position of comforting you. And it’s not about you!

If you accidentally misgender someone, apologize, correct yourself, and move on. And do better the next time. You got this!

Need some help with names, pronouns, talking to other people, and just understanding it all? You might be interested in our short introductory course Parents of Trans Youth 101.

You'll learn basic gender vocabulary and concepts, how to navigate those complicated feelings, and practical tips and tools to support your child. Click the button below to learn more 👇

Mandy Giles (she/her)
Founder and CEO
​Parents of Trans Youth​

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