Reader, I hate the ally flag. I really do.

I hate it for the same reason I'm not a fan of ally t-shirts and pins.

It's like saying, "I like gay people, and even trans people, too! But I sure don't want to you to think I'm one of them."

I use the photo below in my "Turning Allyship into Action" presentations as an example of performative allyship.

A performative ally might take action, but that action is all about appearances, personal benefit, or being trendy. It doesn’t actually help or challenge anything.

Hey, maybe the guy above is doing good work behind the scenes, but he really doesn't want you to think he's gay. That feels like backhanded allyship to me.

I'm not saying it’s wrong for an ally to wear a fun Pride t-shirt. Signaling support is a good thing. When you have a rainbow sticker on your water bottle or wear a "Protect Trans Kids" t-shirt to the grocery store, queer folks might have a better idea gauging their safety level in a space.

But don't make those signals about you and your coolness. Your intention should be to uplift and center the queer and trans communities.

Because visibility matters most when it's backed up with action.

So wearing that t-shirt might be the first step to taking even more action, like flying the actual Pride progress flag in front of your house. Or having conversations with your friends and family about issues affecting the trans community. Or donating to a local equality organization.

If you're an ally, I invite you to take a step further this Pride month. Take a lil' meaningful action.

But just don't fly that darn ally flag.

For more tips about being a true ally, join me for my "Turning Allyship into Action" presentation for TransFamily Alliance this Thursday evening. It's free and open to all!

Mandy Giles (she/her)
Founder and CEO
​Parents of Trans Youth​

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